I love spending every moment with my little girl and watching her grow, but in the back of my head, i feel my creative life is dying. I just don’t have time and excess energy to pursue the dream of my life… Niggled by the thoughts I am so much behind the people out there constantly “doing, making things” which often frustrates me and at times restrains me from being ‘here’ with my loved ones… Honestly, I think I’m finally “living” for first time in my life, feeling and being LOVE, all thanks to our little girl… even though this new situation puts me in reverse at times?
I can’t find time to do all the things I want to do and create….Why do I beat myself up with self-doubt, self-disgust, self-judgment… And into the rabbit hole I go.
I’m reading, meditating and the answers I hear, or rather the voices are telling me to get out of my own way and let thing happen. Patience is both friend or foe and I’m learning about how I can be my own best friend. Relinquishing the need to have the answers and being faithful that the journey of life will deliver me to the place I am supposed to be… Not controlling my destiny and instead living it, being faithful to the experience. Perhaps the answers are a chain reaction of events that must happen in sequence and not in a single Big Bang.
이것 저것 성취하고 싶은것은 너무 많은데 시간이 안되고 내 앞에 당장해야할 일들이 많아 자꾸 조급해진다…나만 뒤에 처지는 것 같고 내 앞에 앞서가는 사람들에 치이고, 괜한 사람들에게 짜증나고…숨 한번 들이쉬고 보니 모두 오직 내 머리속에서 생겨나고 사라지는 생각 들이었다…내가 지금하고 있는 것, 내 어린딸과 평생 한번밖에 오지않는 이 순간들을 즐기는 것, 내게 너무나 큰 사랑을 일깨워 준 남편곁에서 #솔메이트 되어주는거, 또 내 주위에서 아무도 모르게 자라는 너무나 크고 아름다운 나무들 보며 삶을 느끼는거…생각해보니 아무것도 성취하지 않고 있는게 아니다… play the long game- 지금 내게 꼭 필요한건 긴 게임을 할 수있는 인내심