A enemy hides inside me.
Each day I battle. Everyday I am judged and compared with others by me.
It’s not my dad – but it was my dad’s way of bringing me up that my enemy learned the habit of It’s cruel craft. For Dad I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough by comparison to others he approved of – like my cousin who was like this, or his friend’s daughter who’s very good at that.

Ugh…My little life was so hard then – Couldn’t be like them, though everyday I tried my best – losing myself in favor of becoming more like them.
I ran away – far from my father’s voice. But when I run away my father’s voice grows louder, so I stopped running – When I breathe, I feel, when I feel, I can see – when I see – I realize that my inner voice is pining for attention and love.
I see a little girl that has a tendency to be afraid – she had more practice at being afraid than being brave, so we are brave together and on those days we live.

I am my mind, and I am the watcher of my mind… And while today my mind was making me feel like losing myself in favor of being more like others – i stood my ground – smiled and took a breath and think of daughter.

The routine of parenting is a challenge, but that routine is restoring balance and healing my bad habits.

*****************

내 안에 살고 있는 적.
나는 매일매일 내 자신에게 평가되고 살고있다.
나 어릴적에 항상 아빠한테 이렇다 저렇다, 왜 이런 저런 사람처럼 되지 못하느냐… 항상 남들과 비교당하고, 그들처럼 되지 못해서 너무 힘들었던 내 어린시절이 자꾸 떠오른다….이제 그 아빠의 목소리가 내안에 아주 자리를잡아 이렇게 멀리 달아나서 살아도 내 안에서 계속 들린다.. 매일매일 스스로 채찍질 하고, 또 채찍질 당하고 사는 내 삶. 내안에 살면서 나를 자꾸 바꾸려는, 나를 자꾸 다른 사람들과 비교하고 다른 사람의 인생을 살으라는 이 목소리. 그리고 계속 밀어내는 연습.

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