….I have been away for very long time.
My father is still never able to let go of his ex-wife from 35 years ago.
Now she’s gone, but he is still holding strong anger towards her.
And I have been holding strong anger towards my dad for nearly 30 years.
We all really need to let go, and live life.
Letting go is still (very) hard for me.
30 over years of habit can’t easily go away in few years. I might need to practice another 30 years (or more) to undo old habits and re-create new one.
Once I decide to let go (again) of the thought- “I want to see the change right now”-, finally I start to see the blue sky behind the dark cloud….again. I do this everyday for one reason- to be happy.
We all come to this life only once, and we have choice to make it good or not good. Simple but hard to follow up.
Falling, getting up, falling, getting up, falling, getting up, falling deep again…
The old self never goes away, no matter what, it will be still there. But as we practice new habit, it goes right beside our old habit. From there it’s all up to us, which one we want to strengthen, which one we want it to grow more than the other one…. like our muscles in our body. If we use them they grow, we don’t use them, they go smaller.
That’s why we call yoga practice, not yoga learning.
There’s no ending, just keep going and one day, we become whatever we practice.
Practicing yoga helps me to make space inside of me so that I can feel things, feel gratitude. The warm sun light, the clean water to drink, lots of clothes to wear, house to live, food to eat…
These things I never learned from school, my parents never taught me to sit down still and find myself feeling grateful for small little things in my life, but also, they never learned that either. So the cycle goes on and on.
Practicing yoga is letting go, getting out of my head and getting into our own body, relearn to feel.
As I let go and practice, my mind starts to shift, my heart opens, and I am finally get ready for another day. Not an extension of yesterday.
Yoga teacher Iyengar said ” The highest point of yesterday should be the lowest point of today.”
Today I am hoping to let go little more than yesterday so I can live/ feel my life, and hope my little daughter can learn the real life from me.
Practicing yoga allows us to feel our life. We often tend to live our life chasing for the goal, and thinking “If we get there, we will be happy” … but our life is very much happening right now. These small nameless moments ARE our life, constantly happening while we are wasting our time on thinking of “unknown future”
So let’s practice on living today. Give that extra love to whoever there with you. Because our life is limited, and no one knows what will happen tomorrow.
Happy July 4th!
The time that life takes can be agonizing when mind is set on a destination as opposed to being engulfed by little things composing its moments.
누구도 알수없는 결과에만 집중하면서 살았었었다. 그러다 결과가 안좋으면 다시 어둠속에서 지내다 누군가가 조금 나를 알아주거나 물질적으로 뭔가를 성취하면 그 잠깐 기쁨으로 살다가 다시 그 순간을 위해서 지금 을 놓치고 발버둥 치며 나 아닌 다른 사람들, 사회가 만들어논 성공의 잣대에서 벗어나지 못할때가 너무도 많았다..작은것들, 다른 사람들이 알아주지 않는 것들, 너무나 평범한 것들 그렇지만 너무나 우리를 기쁘게 하는 것들 모두다 바로 지금 여기 에 있었던걸..
A enemy hides inside me.
Each day I battle. Everyday I am judged and compared with others by me.
It’s not my dad – but it was my dad’s way of bringing me up that my enemy learned the habit of It’s cruel craft. For Dad I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough by comparison to others he approved of – like my cousin who was like this, or his friend’s daughter who’s very good at that.
Ugh…My little life was so hard then – Couldn’t be like them, though everyday I tried my best – losing myself in favor of becoming more like them.
I ran away – far from my father’s voice. But when I run away my father’s voice grows louder, so I stopped running – When I breathe, I feel, when I feel, I can see – when I see – I realize that my inner voice is pining for attention and love.
I see a little girl that has a tendency to be afraid – she had more practice at being afraid than being brave, so we are brave together and on those days we live.
I am my mind, and I am the watcher of my mind… And while today my mind was making me feel like losing myself in favor of being more like others – i stood my ground – smiled and took a breath and think of daughter.
The routine of parenting is a challenge, but that routine is restoring balance and healing my bad habits.
내 안에 살고 있는 적.
나는 매일매일 내 자신에게 평가되고 살고있다.
나 어릴적에 항상 아빠한테 이렇다 저렇다, 왜 이런 저런 사람처럼 되지 못하느냐… 항상 남들과 비교당하고, 그들처럼 되지 못해서 너무 힘들었던 내 어린시절이 자꾸 떠오른다….이제 그 아빠의 목소리가 내안에 아주 자리를잡아 이렇게 멀리 달아나서 살아도 내 안에서 계속 들린다.. 매일매일 스스로 채찍질 하고, 또 채찍질 당하고 사는 내 삶. 내안에 살면서 나를 자꾸 바꾸려는, 나를 자꾸 다른 사람들과 비교하고 다른 사람의 인생을 살으라는 이 목소리. 그리고 계속 밀어내는 연습.
So far 2 things happened in my life that changed me completely. One was yoga and the other was the birth of my daughter Scout Hana. And I am grateful that it happened in that order.
지금까지 살아오면서 나를 바꾸게 해 준 계기가 되었던 게 딱 두번있었는데 첫번째는 요가를 만난것이고 두번째는 내 딸이 태어난 것이다…. 순서가 바뀌지 않고 요가가 첫번째로 내 인생을 바꾼 계기가 되었던 것에 너무나 감사하다.