Letting go is still (very) hard for me.

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30 over years of habit can’t easily go away in few years. I might need to practice another 30 years (or more) to undo old habits and re-create new one.

Once I decide to let go (again) of the thought- “I want to see the change right now”-, finally I start to see the blue sky behind the dark cloud….again.  I do this everyday for one reason- to be happy.

We all come to this life only once, and we have choice to make it good or not good. Simple but hard to follow up.

Falling, getting up, falling, getting up, falling, getting up, falling deep again…

The old self never goes away, no matter what, it will be still there. But as we practice new habit, it goes right beside our old habit. From there it’s all up to us, which one we want to strengthen, which one we want it to grow more than the other one…. like our muscles in our body. If we use them they grow, we don’t use them, they go smaller.

That’s why we call yoga practice, not yoga learning.

There’s no ending, just keep going and one day, we become whatever we practice.

Practicing yoga helps me to make space inside of me so that I can feel things, feel gratitude. The warm sun light, the clean water to drink, lots of clothes to wear, house to live, food to eat…

These things I never learned from school, my parents never taught me to sit down still and find myself feeling grateful for small little things in my life, but also, they never learned that either. So the cycle goes on and on.

 

Practicing yoga is letting go, getting out of my head and getting into our own body, relearn to feel.

As I let go and practice, my mind starts to shift, my heart opens, and I am finally get ready for another day. Not an extension of yesterday.

Yoga teacher Iyengar said ” The highest point of yesterday should be the lowest point of today.”

Today I am hoping to let go little more than yesterday so I can live/ feel my life, and hope my little daughter can learn the real life from me.

 

namaste.

The time that life takes can be agonizing when mind is set on a destination as opposed to being engulfed by little things composing its moments.

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누구도 알수없는 결과에만 집중하면서 살았었었다. 그러다 결과가 안좋으면 다시 어둠속에서 지내다 누군가가 조금 나를 알아주거나 물질적으로 뭔가를 성취하면 그 잠깐 기쁨으로 살다가 다시 그 순간을 위해서 지금 을 놓치고 발버둥 치며 나 아닌 다른 사람들, 사회가 만들어논 성공의 잣대에서 벗어나지 못할때가 너무도 많았다..작은것들, 다른 사람들이 알아주지 않는 것들, 너무나 평범한 것들 그렇지만 너무나 우리를 기쁘게 하는 것들 모두다 바로 지금 여기 에 있었던걸..

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My life is really filled with small, nameless moments and I keep teaching myself this IS happiness.

Today i will love myself, today I will not think too much about tomorrow. Each beautiful moment is waiting not to be missed…

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내삶은 이 작고 특별한 일 없는 순간들로 가득차 있다…꼭 무슨 큰 일이 있는 순간들은 아주 가끔 우리에게 찾아온다… 이 작은 순간들 그렇지만 내게 주는 작은 몇초동안의 기쁨들… 잃지 않을 거다… 계속 이 작은 순간들 기억하고 느끼고… 그렇게 사는게 행복한 삶이다…

 

moments

 

Our little girl Scout is reminding us that life isn’t as complicated as we make it. The falls are just as fun as the steps and every time we get back on our feet we have grown…

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아기들은 계속 넘어지면서 걸음을 배운다… 이 작지만 너무나 큰 진리… 넘어지는게 문제가 아니라 계속일어날 수 있는 용기… 우리딸 하나가 가르쳐주는 내 삶의 지혜… 고마워 하나 고마워 라이프…

 

 

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I often feel grateful for Scout to have Craig as a daddy. That she won’t suffer through her early years under the iron fist of a father like mine.
But then I feel bad for my father who never had a father like Craig’s…

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가끔씩 하나가 크랙을 아빠로 갖고 태어난 것에 대해서 많이 감사한다…나처럼 고지식하신 우리 아빠 밑에서 자라지 않아도 되는 하나가 부럽기까지 했다… 그런데 조금 더 생각해보면 크랙의 아빠같은 아빠를 가지지 못하시고 태어나서, 가족사랑을 받지 못하시고 자라나셔서 저렇게 마음의 벽을 높게 쌓아두고 사시는 우리 아빠도 많이 불쌍하다는 생각이 들었다… 그래서 인생은 계속 살면서 평생 배워야 하는 여행인 것 같다… 항상 내일이 있을거라고 생각하고 미뤄왔던 것들을 이제 좀 그만 미루고 실천할때가 된거 같다… 우리 아빠한테 전화라도 하는 것 부터…오늘은 마니 아빠생각이…

 

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May be Raising baby is my last chance to change myself.

This little Girl Scout Hana brought out the real me, she is showing me how to be a person. helping me tap the power that pulls me through life’s most challenging moments..

Part of me was born with Scout Hana.
I am re-learning to feel awe in the world, learning about myself, to letting go and getting rid of the bad habits that i didn’t address before she came into my life

 

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I love spending every moment with my little girl and watching her grow, but in the back of my head, i feel my creative life is dying. I just don’t have time and excess energy to pursue the dream of my life… Niggled by the thoughts I am so much behind the people out there constantly “doing, making things” which often frustrates me and at times restrains me from being ‘here’ with my loved ones… Honestly, I think I’m finally “living” for first time in my life, feeling and being LOVE, all thanks to our little girl… even though this new situation puts me in reverse at times?

I can’t find time to do all the things I want to do and create….Why do I beat myself up with self-doubt, self-disgust, self-judgment… And into the rabbit hole I go.

I’m reading, meditating and the answers I hear, or rather the voices are telling me to get out of my own way and let thing happen. Patience is both friend or foe and I’m learning about how I can be my own best friend. Relinquishing the need to have the answers and being faithful that the journey of life will deliver me to the place I am supposed to be… Not controlling my destiny and instead living it, being faithful to the experience. Perhaps the answers are a chain reaction of events that must happen in sequence and not in a single Big Bang.

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이것 저것 성취하고 싶은것은 너무 많은데 시간이 안되고 내 앞에 당장해야할 일들이 많아 자꾸 조급해진다…나만 뒤에 처지는 것 같고 내 앞에 앞서가는 사람들에 치이고, 괜한 사람들에게 짜증나고…숨 한번 들이쉬고 보니 모두 오직 내 머리속에서 생겨나고 사라지는 생각 들이었다…내가 지금하고 있는 것, 내 어린딸과 평생 한번밖에 오지않는 이 순간들을 즐기는 것, 내게 너무나 큰 사랑을 일깨워 준 남편곁에서 #솔메이트 되어주는거, 또 내 주위에서 아무도 모르게 자라는 너무나 크고 아름다운 나무들 보며 삶을 느끼는거…생각해보니 아무것도 성취하지 않고 있는게 아니다… play the long game- 지금 내게 꼭 필요한건 긴 게임을 할 수있는 인내심